And by “masses”, I mean an enormous group of people.
And by “enormous group”, I mean a lot of people.
Okay, it was really just one person.
One person suggesting that she was “pretty sure” she wasn’t the only one waiting on a new blog entry. I don’t claim to be a wordsmith. Okay, maybe I do. But she didn’t sound very convincing. But given that I’d somewhat promised to not take so long between posts, and my last one was a month ago, I guess I deserve to only have one ardent “fan”. Er…reader.
Perhaps I have my first stalker!
In any case, many posts ago I apologized for all of the future times that I would be remiss in posting in a timely manner so I will refrain from doing so again. We all know by now that I’m not fooling anybody. No matter how much I love to write, there are times I just don’t have anything to say.
Okay. You can stop with the laughing now. And don’t deny it; I can sense a disturbance in “the Force”.
So what, you might be asking yourself (or not) what I’ve been up the past month? I have to tell you, it hasn’t been an easy month and it does beg the question whether now was a good time to go off of the depression meds. But I felt it was time, and I also realize that 1) they were never that strong that they had that big of an affect on me and 2) they simply cannot stop every emotional “shit fit” I might have. They weren’t even strong enough to have dampened that down. Trust me. For the most part I’m convince I might as well have been sucking back aspirin.
I mentioned before in previous posts how hard this journey is. Some of you understand; others can only imagine. And if you’ve been reading this since the start, you also know that I’m upfront about my thoughts and feelings – warts and all – to some degree. That is, I’m not lying to anyone and I may leave some more personal stuff out, but the bottom line is that I have been struggling. There’s no easy answer for why. It just is. And I have to tell you, if you haven’t already guess from my previous posts, I don’t handle being “human” very well. That is, I don’t handle my mistakes very well.
I’m not a perfectionist. Far from it. But I have a degree of lunacy that is so ingrained in my mind that it’s actually harder for me to forgive myself when I make a mistake – or twelve – than it is to actually lose weight. I’ve been doing that yo-yo thing again and felt so disgusted with myself that I had to momentarily push some people away or hide it from those closest to me. I might have whined and bitched a bit but I didn’t have a full blown meltdown until a week ago. And I have to tell you. That feeling.
It sucked. It sucked harder than a Dyson.
I felt so helpless. But I also felt so ashamed. And sad. Frustrated. Angry. Alone. And then…
Around I went again. And again.
And it’s so very hard to be strong – to be the kind of strong that you HAVE to be to do this very hard thing (or any very hard thing) – so when you can’t be, you feel lost.
And I felt so lost. I felt so many things that I didn’t even know what to do. And it wasn’t just about my weight though that was a big part of it. Pressures from work have also been piling on. And I said this to my friends and family in my private Facebook group (the group is about my weight loss journey):
“I’m trying to not just be bitching and whining about everything because I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty sick of hearing me whine about something every time I mess up.”
The funny thing is that my group – that’s sort of what it’s there for. For me to express my feelings – good and bad – on my journey. To talk about my frustrations, my triumphs, the joys, the sorrows and the fuck-ups. Yet I sometimes feel guilty that I’m dumping on those family and friends. It’s then that I shut myself down, get quiet and suffer mostly in silence.
And you know what?
That’s just as messed up of a thought process as they come. Invariably I end up sabotaging myself and I find myself wondering if my friends and family aren’t rolling their eyes at me and thinking, “Holy shit, here she goes again!”
Maybe I’m right about that. Most likely I’m wrong. Most likely my over-active imagination and those damn hamsters are over-thinking it. But it’s hard. It’s really hard to express yourself without feeling you might be judged or worse yet, ignored. And that scares me because as I’ve said before, the importance of the support I receive from everyone cannot be minimalized or trivialized. If anything, it’s those times – when I’m feeling the worse about myself – that I need people that most.
Because I haven’t yet learned to treat myself well. To respect myself. To love myself.
When I have these setbacks, it’s so easy for me to use myself as the scapegoat. It’s absolutely easy. I want to stop it, I really do. And I really have to be honest when I say that I’m not sure I will ever get “there” until I give up the idea that I will not only make mistakes but I will make some mammoth ones. And it’ll still be okay.
So until that time comes, I’m going to have “moments”. It’s during that time that I hope that people will still be there supporting me. And they know that no matter how I might feel about myself at any given moment, I will always be there for them.
Brandon told me once in my group: “I am proud. I said if one person got on board with me its all worth it. Thank you champ.”
And I feel the same way. I feel that if I can help even one person, even if for one specific thing or even as a continuous supporter of whatever their journey is – it’s worth it. So if my struggles help anyway, they make them all the more worthwhile and helps me to keep fighting. To keep going.
To keep on…keeping on.
So here’s your post my “masses”…er…Anne-Marie. Perhaps you’ll have to suggest that you’re “pretty sure” you’re not the only one waiting on a blog posting. I believe a fire has been lit…
Blessings to all. Be back soon…