I had intended to write this several weeks ago. In fact, I started it no less than four times. But, you know what they say about good intentions…
As it has happened so many times in my life, I have been thinking lately that I have absolutely no idea where I’m going in my life. What am I doing? Am I actually doing anything? If I am doing something, what the hell is it? Is it good? Bad? Indifferent? What?!
And I wish I had the answers, but as with the x number of times before that I have asked these questions of myself – well…the answer is:
I have no fucking clue.
I’m not getting any younger. The world is not slowing down. In fact, it feels as if it’s speeding up. I try not to have regrets, but it’s hard to not look back at my life and see the missed opportunities or changes. Whether I chose to ignore the signs, or simply wasn’t brave enough. I suspect it was usually the latter. Just a suspicion though…
In any case, today one of the more popular sayings is “as fuck,” as in I’m drunk as fuck or You’re as stupid as fuck. Though typically I think those younger kids are simply using “AF.” Okay, so…I had an AF moment hit me recently. As recently as yesterday, where I thought, I’m miserable AF. And, I have been the past several says. Off and on, actually, the past few weeks but mostly the past several days.
I know the “why” and I won’t be sharing it here. It’s personal to me, and me alone, and it’s no one else’s concern.
So, why am I mentioning it?
Because it’s only one of the things going on with me. And while it may not be the most prominent (but maybe it is), I also can’t ignore the rest. And that’s what I’m going to talk about in this post.
I’ve now been living back home for 8 months. There have been some adjustments. Cripes, what the fuck is with the TAX over here!?! A friend said, “Oh I guess we’re all used to it.” when I complained about it. 13% on every stinking thing! Ridiculous!
“Free Healthcare” is a bit of a misnomer. I had to pay $300 in taxes to the Canadian Government for last year solely for a surtax on health insurance. The health insurance I had for 3 months. The health insurance that, while it covers doctor visits and some blood work, does not cover medications or dental. Of which I need the move coverage and cannot get private coverage of because of my weight/health.
But I digress…
So there have been some adjustments to living back home. But you know me…always looking at the glass as half full…
Okay…Happy April Fool’s Day. Had you there, didn’t I?
In any case, the good things about being back home are that my mom, my family and my friends are nearby. I have people to “hang with”; I’m not so alone.
I’ve also been able to continue to work at my “former” job back in New York. My replacement did not work out – I tried to tell them I was irreplaceable but they didn’t believe me…
So now I work remotely for the same office I’ve been at for 20 years, all from the comfort of my desk/bedroom in my home. In Canada. And there are many advantages to this, the least of which is simply rolling out of bed and sitting down to work. The disadvantages is that I feel I still have to get dressed – no working in my PJs for me. You know, in case I had a conference call. Then again, I need only be dressed from the chest up…
Another change has been my health – specifically my weight, which you all know is the main reason for this blog. I’ve been on this journey for a while and I’m really trying to not be upset that I haven’t gotten to where I had hoped by now. I’m not going to make excuses, and I’m really trying to not dwell on it. What’s done is done and there is nothing I can do now about it.
Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, Pal…
Just before I left New York, I was at my heaviest weight ever in my life. For two months it seems all I did was eat like shit because I was stressed and panicking that I wasn’t going to be ready for my move. And I nearly wasn’t – I only made it thanks to many helpful friends back in New York that got me through it. But I was struggling. A lot.
People didn’t understand. It was a major life change. Even though I was moving back to my homeland – back to my hometown where I had family and friends – it was still a difficult transition for me. Many people didn’t “get it”. They couldn’t understand what the big deal was. Some did. One in particular really understood. He understood and didn’t make light of my situation. I appreciated that.
In any case, at that point I wasn’t going to concern myself with my weight. I needed to get through the move and adjusting to my new life. At the time, I wasn’t going to be working after November 1st and I would be out looking for a job in a market that wasn’t very good. So I had decided I would address my weight at a later date and prayed I would survive to get to that point.
Here it is 8 months later and I’m happy to say that along with some of the good changes I mentioned above, another is that I’ve managed to drop 33 pounds in that time. And while it’s not as much as I’d like, I’m just happy it’s gone. And in late February, I joined Weight Watchers. I really needed to be able to enjoy some foods but still be within a sensible range to drop the weight. I’m only down 10 pounds since then but I’m still within their logical range of 1-2 pounds a week weight-loss.
But all of that is just a precursor. I had hoped to be able to get on a rhythm and keep going – dropping all of the weight I wanted/needed to but I’ve come to realize that I’m not sure I can. Not that much weight. And frankly, I’m been around and around on this subject extensively – both on my own and with friends and family – and at this point, I’m still asking:
Which way is the wind blowing?
I haven’t been an advocate of the weight loss surgery. I always had it in my head that if I didn’t learn how to eat properly and lose weight before the surgery, it wasn’t going to be the cure all to end all. It wasn’t some magic pill. The people I know that have had it are evenly split on success vs failure.
I got a new doctor when I moved back home. Of course, one of the first things she asked me was “Have you considered bariatric surgery?” and we discussed it briefly. She mentioned that it take up to a year before they will even do the surgery so that you get on a weight loss plan and learn to eat properly. You also have to see a psychiatrist, which I supposed is to figure out what someone’s triggers are for why they are the size they are. And let me tell you, a few episodes of My 600# Life is enough to get you motivated for sure. And I’m not even near 600#s but it’s an eye opener, especially on the “denial” part.
So she referred me to an information session that was to be in early February. My mother went with me and we were disappointed to find out that it was more for a 6 month liquid diet, not the surgery. It turns out that about a half dozen others in the room thought they were also there to hear about the surgery. Not great organization by the Bariatric Center, that’s for sure. In any case, they moved us all to the list for the bariatric session and that is going to happen on April 9th.
I can tell you that since I first spoke with my doctor about the surgery, I have gone from “I’m going to do it!” to “I’m not going to do it” to “I’m really going to do it!” to “I don’t really want to do it!” and where I currently sit…
I’m leaning towards “I really NEED to do it!”
After all these months, while I have had some success, this is not new. I have had success before. And invariably I don’t. And I gain it back. And then some. Then the next thing I know, I’m ballooned up like a humpback.
And I’m tired.
And while I still am quite aware that it’s not the miracle “cure”…I need the boost. I have zero energy most days. The pain in my feet is constant, to the point where some days I can’t walk because my toes feel as if they are being crushed.
And the idea of “missing out” of many things if I were to have the surgery, I’ve thought about it a lot lately and realize that there would be so much more that I would miss out on if I don’t do it.
I stood in line at the store today. The person in front of me was buying adult diapers. And a thought hit me.
I would never be able to buy those.
And you know why? Because they don’t make them in my size. And you know why? Because no one my size lives long enough to need adult diapers.
So I’m still looking up as much as I can about the surgery that is done here in Ontario and will get more information at the session on the 9th. If I do it, it will be a huge adjustment. The first 6 months of nearly a complete liquid diet with maybe only teaspoons of jello and other soluble foods and in very VERY small quantities. No eating out. No splurging on popcorn at a movie. No chicken Parmesan (my fav!)…
but the alternatives are what?
Possible slow weight-loss but only IF I can work hard and to date, that hasn’t exactly been my forte. The surgery gives me no other choice. What the surgery will give me is rapid weight loss, potentially getting off nearly all of my medications including my diabetic medications, and renewed energy.
I mentioned knowing people that have done the surgery. Some have had success. The biggest one is my cousin who had the surgery 5 years ago and high recommends it. But I know others that have had it and it hasn’t been successful. Of course, the caveat is that it isn’t the surgery that wasn’t successful – it was the people themselves.
Remember: it’s not the magic pill.
And there are risks. It’s major surgery. There can be infections. Complications. Death. Thankfully that’s not a high statistic – I think.
So while it will still mean that I have to work hard and stick to the strictness that is required, it will also allow me the ability to drop the weight quickly and hopefully get me to a place where I can walk through the grocery store without feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck.
I would never advocate for doing it or not to others – whether I am successful with it or not. It’s a personal choice and whatever someone decides is up to them, and them alone. Whatever someone chose to do would have my support 100% because only they would know what is true to their hearts on what they need to do – for themselves.
I’ll keep you posted on what decision I make, but for now…here’s to more success!
Blessings to all…