Hurry up…and wait.

 

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I’m not known as a patient person. Not one iota. I do try. But it’s just not something I’m very good at. And when it’s someone or something else I’m waiting on, it’s even harder. If I am the direct cause of something being delayed – fine, I’ll own that. Though I’m also not known for procrastinating on some things.

Finishing my book…well, that’s an entirely different beast all together.

So at long last, I have my consultation appointment with the sleep center. The last “hurdle” of my “must do’s” from the bariatric center. That is June 27th. It took them far too long to get this up, even after I provided them with my test results of my sleep study from 2007. But, at least it’s now set and I’m in the Q.

My first appointment with the bariatric doctor is now scheduled for June 19th. Later that morning I also have my nutrition class, which I’m told will be the only class with others, after which will be one-on-one with a nutritionist. Then, a week later, my social worker (ie: psychologist) to make sure I’m really ready mentally for the surgery and all that it entails.  Those three – they decide my fate for having the surgery or not – they all have to sign off on it and give their approval. So fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I have met some great people who have gone through the surgery and they are helping me to understand what my future will hold. Of course, everyone is different and with the assumption that I do have the surgery, my experiences will be different from everyone else’s but at the same time, similar. So I’m gathering a lot of information and I’ve joined a couple of bariatric weightloss groups on Facebook, and continue to learn all I can.

I’ll be honest…some of the things I read are daunting, and downright scary. But the idea of not doing the surgery and dying too early doesn’t appeal to me at all, so it’s a matter of lesser of two evils. And I’m really trying to see this surgery as not an evil, but as a great step to bettering my health. And living longer.

I’m also meeting new people who are in the same spot of their journey as I am. White it’s nice to get information and experiences from those who have been through it, it’s also nice to go along with people going through it at the same time – to get support and to be supportive of them on their journey.

I continue with Weight Watchers until I’m told to stop by the bariatric center. While I had a bit of an “up” after my birthday week, I’m happy that I lost half of that “up” this past week. I’m not going to freak out about the “up” and am just going to keep going.

Now that summer is here, along with the hot weather and humidity, my biggest issue (and fear) is water retention. I’ve been known to add 20-30 pounds of water weight every summer. No lie. I really cannot stand the heat, it makes me feel awful and I do what I can to avoid gaining it but my body just does not cooperate. My ankles swell up very badly, and apparently the rest of me where it’s not as noticeable.

So the idea of gaining water weight makes me very anxious.

And I’m really not the person that needs more anxiety in my life.

So while I (patiently) wait for these appointments to be done, and the next set of them until I (hopefully) get my approval and surgery date, I’ll be keeping on and doing my best…

This guy is my hero:

b6544bbb2d1f8ce973857e30b39a2f39 Who doesn’t love a cute bunny with shades and wears flip-flops?!

Blessings to all.

Love,

dani1

 

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Look at me! The guinea pig.

PBSD

That means “Post-Bariatric Surgery Decision”. I just made that up. But my life from here on out is going to be quite busy. And quite challenging as well.

That’s not to say that my life hasn’t been busy. In some ways, it seems as if I have absolutely nothing going on. That I live a quite boring life. And then there are times when I realize that I simply don’t have time to do all of the things I want to do. And who doesn’t have that issue sometimes?

I’m crazy busy at my job. All. The. Damn. Time. There are not enough hours in the day to do the work I need to do and it provides a good portion of the stress I often feel. No matter how much effort I make to put a dent in it, it never seems to go down. And I know some of you might say, “Well, at least you have a job.” or “Being busy is better than not being busy.” And both of those are correct. I’m grateful I have a job. It pays well. But I also work very hard for that money. But it is a problem to feel so overwhelmed with the workload and not really have any way to deal with it except to just keep plowing through.

Oh and cry sometimes.

I also am writing my book “Kiwi Kiss” and I’m nearly done it. I get asked constantly “Are you done it yet?” and of course, non-writers have NO idea what is involved in writing novels. None. And I’m at the point where I really need to be in the mood. That’s not a great habit for a writer but it is where I’m at right now. So, while it’s nearly done, it is a process and I’m doing what I can to get it done and published. Patience, grasshopper.

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On top of that, I have a lot of other things I want to do. Read all the books on my Kindle. Paint on the few canvases I bought. Watch all the movies and tv shows in my Netflix “My List” list. Travel more. The list goes on and on.

But in between some of that, I now have to concentrate on what I have to do before the bariatric surgery, and after.

So far this week it’s been a bunch of blood work, urine testing (for pregnancy, no less – yep…that ship sailed some time ago but I find it funny they still requested it), and EKG testing. I have an appointment coming up for an ultrasound on my abdomen, and a sleep study reassessment relating to my sleep apnea.

In early May, my first appointment is with a nurse for a consultation where I have to fill out a 40 page questionnaire. Then it’s more meetings with a nurse, dietitian, psychologist and eventually the surgeon. At the same time, I am having trouble with numbness in my left pinkie and ring finger, which is thought to be carpal tunnel but I have an appointment with a neurologist to find out. He will be my 6th neurologist since I also have the neuropathy in my feet.

Oh the joys of being unhealthy.

And I’m not complaining about these appointments. Truly. They are all a necessary part of getting me to my destination, so I’ll deal with them and keep on keeping on.

But I do feel like sort of a guinea pig.

But it is what it is. My goal is obtainable, it’s just going to take some patience, and a whole lot of hard work.

And a whole lot of support will be needed. So for those of you who have stuck with me all this time, I truly appreciate it and hope you’ll stick around some more.

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And the good news is that as of this morning, I am 1.2 pounds from losing 40 since my heaviest weight late last Summer.  WOOT!

More to follow soon. Watch this space.

Blessings to all,

dani1

Days #11, 12, 13… of 31 Days of Gratitude

If you’ve followed this blog for some time, you’ll know that I can be a bit forgetful about keeping up with posting. It isn’t that I don’t want to. I really wish I could just plug into my brain and upload all of the thoughts I have, but then I feel that you’d all run screaming for the hills.

So while I don’t intend to write out 13 different blogs to cover Days 11 thru 24, I will list below those 13 things I am grateful for in one swoop (keeping them short – I’m promise). So here we go…

Day 11:  I am grateful for being raised in a household where I learned about love, hard work, appreciation instead of hate, bigotry and selfishness.

Day 12: I am grateful for the things that I often take for granted. My eyesight. My hearing. Even, despite my size and physical “disabilities”, I can still walk, drive my car, watch my favourite movies or listen to my favourite bands. I can enjoy watching the sun set, hear a baby’s laughter, or a cat’s meow.

Day 13:  I am grateful for whatever God-given talents I have. I can’t sing a lick – okay I can but no one wants to hear that – but I’m half-way decent at drawing, and I’m told, not a half-bad writer.

Day 14: I am grateful for my sense of humour. I’m sure others might protest – I’ve been told I’m a bit dry and can often be a tad sarcastic. No! You don’t say!? See…but I love to laugh, and make others laugh. As far as I’m concerned, if you can make me laugh, I’m already half in love with you.

Day 15: I am grateful for my mom’s cat Oreo. He helps to keep my boy Finny entertained and not so lonely since my Ginny left us in April. While he can be a royal pain in the ass sometimes, I know that Finny likes to have another buddy around to play with – or fight with – depending on the hour of the day.

Day 16: I am grateful that my job and experience has afforded me a decent wage where I don’t have to live pay check to pay check like so many others must. If I want something, I can get it, though I do try to limit what I want, to what I need.

Day 17: I am grateful for having had close family in my life while I grew up as an only child that I never felt alone. Some cousins were with me often, our families spending a lot of time together – and they always were just “there”.

Day 18: I am grateful for having had my dad in my life, even if for only a short time. As I get older, I remember less and less about him. And I was only eleven when he died, so much of my years with him I was too young to remember anyway, so I have to rely on family and photos to remind me. But even though he was taken from us too soon, I am always grateful for the years that I did have him. He was the best.

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Day 19: I am grateful for having had the opportunity to visit the places I’ve been, especially Rome and Athens. I’ve always been fascinated with ancient things – Rome and Athens being just a small part of that fascination. But having been able to visits those cities and many others in my life so far, I feel blessed. And there are still so many more places I want to see.

Day 20: I am grateful that I have always had a roof over my head, food in my belly (too much, in fact), warm clothes in the winter, and a comfy bed to sleep in. So many do not, especially at this time of the year when their very survival depends on the things we take for granted.

Day 21: Along with Day 20, I’m also very grateful for running water, working toilets and showers, and shiny appliances to use to make plenty of food. Too often we get bogged down in our lives, worrying about this or that, that we forget about those who have nothing. And I hate that I have to be reminded of this far too often.

Day 22: I am grateful for having some of the same friends in my life for the past 30+ years. They have been with me through the good and bad, the ups and the downs, always willing to lend an ear, or offer a hug…and even to bring the tequila and the shovel. These friends have seen me at my worse, and yet they’re still here. I love them all.

Day 23: I am grateful for YOU. Sure, some of you are family and friends, even some of those I mention in previous days of gratefulness, but I don’t know some of you personally at all. Yet, many of you have taken the time to not only read my posts, but have followed me throughout this journey and my many ramblings, and you’ve stuck around, supported me and offered me words of encouragement. You will never know how much that has meant to me, but I am very grateful for it all. And YOU!  So thank you, my friends!  Red Heart on Twitter Twemoji 2.4

Day 24: As I sit here on Christmas Eve, the condo is quiet because my mom’s been sleeping now for several hours, I feel somewhat lonely. But I know I’m not. Not really. It’s hard to explain. I’m sure you have all felt like this; maybe even now as you read this you feel lonely. But just as I remind myself, please remember that even if you’re in a room full of people, you can feel lonely. Keep people you love and care about in your heart, and you will never be alone. Trust me.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it. 

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Regardless, may your hearts be full of love, laughter and song.

dani1

 

Day #10 of 31 Days of Gratitude

There’s always that one thing that is a catch-22, where you have specific feelings on the subject, which tend to be neither right or wrong. It all depends on who you ask.

Or what day of the week it is.

Day #10

I’m grateful for 21st technology – iPods, cell phones, wifi, laptops and notebooks, big screen televisions, the Nav system in my car, and even the fact that I can work remotely for my job from another country. But specifically in this case: social media.

I know that many people don’t like it. It can be invasive. People take it a little too far (some “selfies” are just much too personal/revealing!). It gives your (ex)husband more opportunity to meet with other women and have affairs…And it’s the perfect medium for people to spread hate further, and be couch critics on everything and anything. But it also has a great many advantages, some of which I’m very grateful for (yes, ending in yet another preposition!).

While living in New York by myself, Facebook was the best thing that could have happened to me. While I fought to join it for some time, I eventually did and I didn’t regret it. Because it allowed me a great way to keep in touch with my mom, my family and friends…and to get back in touch with many family and friends. As well, it let me actually meet family I didn’t know existed and likely wouldn’t have without such a medium.

As a wanna-be writer who will be self-publishing, which means self-marketing of my books, social media gives me a multitude of platforms in which I can “ply my trade” so to speak. I have a website for my writing, I have a Facebook author page. I also have a Twitter account for my writing.

Thanks to these media platforms, the exposure I have, and hope to get, in order to promote my books makes it much easier. That’s not to say that I’ll suddenly have a couple million followers on Twitter or LIKES and followers on my FB page simply by having these platforms, but it certainly helps.

And who knows…maybe someday I will have a couple millions followers on Twitter and FB!  (So please…go now to them both and if you aren’t already following me on Twitter or haven’t yet liked my FB page, please do so. Pretty please!!! 🙂 )

Blessings to all,

dani1

Day #8 of 31 Days of Gratitude

Okay now it’s getting a bit harder…

Day #8

I’m grateful that despite moving back to Canada, without any job lined up and the possibility of getting one is slim, that I have been able to work remotely for my (previous) employer.

Of course, my extension was more for their benefit than mine – so I could train my replacement / continue to do the job – it’s afforded me the chance to continue to earn some bankable money until such a time when I will be unemployed (and will have no idea for how long).

My job is specialized. Not just anyone can step in and do it. That’s not to say that they can’t eventually learn it – I did – but it’s not the kind of work that someone can just walk in and take over. It requires training – even for those experienced in this type of work – because they have to learn how our office does it. How this position is handled.

So I’m also grateful that I have the experience to be that “go to” person that my office needs to rely on. It does make me feel somewhat important, even if not necessarily appreciated. 🙂

Blessings to all,

dani1

Day #6 of 31 Days of Gratitude

Friends…I’ve had a few…

Day #6

Part of the problem I had when I lived in New York was lack of friends. Sure, I had a few, but they weren’t people that I “hung-out” with very regularly. Truthfully, just about every friend I had, I’d met at work (or Weight Watchers from back when I was married).

I wasn’t one for going out on my own so I never really met anyone or really made new friends (or boyfriends which is an entirely different and much more complex subject) to hang out with. Those I did have, had husbands and/or kids and I had to be cognizant that they had lives, when I really didn’t.

I was lonely a lot.

I realize that it was really on me to not be so lonely. That I should have gone out, met new people, etc. But with the self-consciousness that I had (still have), it really is hard for me to be out in public, especially by myself.

So I was happy when I realized that by moving back to my hometown, I would again be surrounded by many friends, some of whom I’ve been close for over thirty years. And while I am still self-conscious when I’m out, if I’m with my friends, I’m less so.

These are people who have known me for so long, many are basically part of my family. Sisters and brothers that I would do anything for, and I hope they know that.

So I’m so very grateful for my friends – new and old – real or even just my cyber friends (all of whom I hope to meet someday) because they help me feel good about my life. They add a huge something that I can’t explain.

Merci beaucoup, mes amis!

FRIENDS

Blessings to all,

dani1

Day #5 of 31 Days of Gratitude

When you have as much of a negative attitude as me, it is actually quite hard to come up with things you’re grateful for. And to be honest, I hate that feeling. I really wish I could be more positive, but no matter how much I try, I invariably let the negative in. So this 31 Days of Gratitude, while challenging, is to help me better consider everything I have. Everything I should be grateful for.

And I won’t lie, some of these are going to be very hard.

Day #5

I’m grateful for my marriage falling apart.

Don’t get me wrong. I never wanted a failed marriage (who does?), and while I hate talking about it now because I feel like it’s one of my two biggest mistakes, I’ve also come to realize that I need to be grateful for it.

Grateful for even what my ex-husband did to me.

From the cheating, lying, and disrespect of me to the nefarious handling of our home, its destruction as a direct result of his lack of responsibility, and again, his disrespect of me…guess what?

I not only survived – and there were times I wondered if I would – but I became a stronger person because of it. I learned more about myself during those years than I ever did in the previous 40.

So while it was a horrible period in my life, I am grateful (in a small way – let’s not get carried away) for having gone through it so that I could learn just how strong and resilient of a person I am.

Blessings to all,

Dani