I really need to figure out a way to clear all the fog up in my head. This is not something that is new; I haven’t only just started having “brain farts” so to speak. For those that have known me for a long time, you know that I’ve had a “bad” memory (only on selective things it seems) since I was a kid. Unfortunately I can’t choose what to remember (blog posting, birthdays vs. ex-husband, appointments etc) so it’s often quite random. On top of that I’m easily distracted.
At times, my memory “lapse” is more like a colossal brain fart.
Given the definition of “lapse” is: a temporary failure of concentration, memory, or judgment, the biggest failure with using that word is that sometimes it’s not temporary. Sometimes, it’s just gone.
It’s expected as you grow older, of course, that you will forget things from your past, particularly your childhood. I remember only a few things from when I was a kid. Only family photos “remind” me of something from way back then. Yet there are some things that are just as vivid today as they were back then.
My problem is that I’m to the point where I’m not exactly sure those things actually happened or if they are simply part of my over-active imagination. Or maybe I dreamed it or maybe it was a far-fetched story I told and now have no idea whether it happened or not. Or that I am remembering the incident but not completely accurately. I just can’t tell.
At my job, where I’m now in my 18th year, I can remember details about cases from 10 or 15 years ago, yet sometimes I can’t remember what I was working on yesterday. I have to remind myself to remember to bring things to work, or what to buy at the store. And that’s ONLY if I remember to bring the list, or actually that I have a list in my purse. Don’t even get me started on how many times that I have left my phone on my desk at work, only to have to go back to get it. It’s so many times that several people in my office have started to mockingly “remind” me to not forget my phone.
I sometimes get very frustrated or pissed off at myself because I can easily forget something very quickly after. Like putting down an item to grab it when I’m finished doing something else and I immediately forget to pick that item back up mere minutes later.
Too many hamsters; not enough wheels.
That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
As a kid my mom would send me to the nearby neighborhood variety store which was a merely trek through the alleyway the next block over and around the corner. By the time I got to the store, I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to get a pack of cigarettes, a quart of milk or a loaf of bread. So guess what I did? Yep…I bought one of each. That way I was sure to get what my mom really wanted.
Ingenious, aren’t I?
Funny yet. I’m pretty sure that happened. But I’m not really sure. Did I really do that or did I once exaggerate this story and now it’s just the one that I have in my head as a “memory”?
It’s actually a way in which I could potentially drive myself insane.
My point to all this drivel is that while my memory hasn’t always been stellar, I’m convinced that some of the fog is related to a combination of many things:
- the stress I feel at work
- the worries I’m facing with my weight and health issues
- the worries about when I move back home and adjusting to live back there and finding a job past 50 in a city that has the worse – WORSE – unemployment rate in all of Canada. Yes, that’s not a typo. It says ALL.
- the worries of spending the rest of my life alone. That is, later in life, not having anyone to take care of me or help me. I haven’t any children (not that that means anything in some cases). I can potentially be more alone than I am now.
Just in general: I am a worry-wort. Because of the stresses I have (and who doesn’t) along with my worries, it compounds all that I have running through my head and in no way helps with the fuzzies. I think it makes them worse.
I have been working on dealing with stresses in my life and I’ve done better; to let go of some of the worries but I can’t get rid of all of them. I feel like doing so that it means that I’m irresponsible or uncaring, and that’s not the case. I’ve met people who go through their lives without a worry or care in the World – I was married to one – and that made me nuts because I don’t like the unknowns. Those that I can control to some extent, I need to. I just do. But the complacency of the seemingly Laissez–faire attitude is not for me.
Maybe it’s because I come to expect bad things to happen and I’m never disappointed so I need to have some preparation. I went through many years of dealing with debt because of someone else’s “don’t give a shit” attitude and all that did was stress me out. Them: they’re sleeping well at night and not concerned at all for the pain, suffering and heartache that they put me through. To me, when your inactions affect others and you don’t care – that makes you an asshole – not a care-free, don’t-let-my-worries-get-to-me sort of person. There is a difference.
So I worry. Less so now. But still do. And that stresses me out too.
I get it. I need more meditation. Yoga (incidentally I typed Yoda here by accident first – I do love Star Wars). Less stress.
My work doesn’t really allow for less stress. I’m over-worked in quantity even though I have an amazing helper, but I’m still over-worked nonetheless. So I get upset, stressed, pissed off, weepy and in some cases, explosive, where I just want to…well you get the picture.
And I do try to not let it get to me, but every one in a while, the enormity of the work-load, how far behind I actually am and how little time I have to do things just stands up, slaps me in the face and says:
So I dry my tears of frustration and move on. But as my painting buddy Kimmy says, she and most people only see the top part of the iceberg – that is – the 10% that is above the surface. And it’s that 90% that people really should fear. Because you can’t see it and you never know when it’s going to surface – ass over head.
So I need to get my on because the workload is not going to go away anytime soon.
So I need to clear the fuzzies as much as I can. Who has a dust-buster?
Peace and blessings to all.