Before I start this blog posting, I want to let you know that I am down another 1.5 pounds this week. Because of this, I am finally back to the weight I was 5 weeks ago when I was at my lowest in many years. So I am happy to report I am back there again and am pleased that I didn’t let the couple of weeks of weight gain deter me. I. Can. Do. This. ♥
It’s very hard to compartmentalize your life sometimes. And prioritizing is yet another matter. For those with a husband and/or children I’m sure it’s actually easier to do so – they come first. Although all the experts tell us that even then, we should be putting ourselves first.
While I’m not sure I completely agree with that, for me the idea is more of an equal balance. At least, it would be if I had a husband and/or children. I have neither.
I have cats. I’m nearly 50 and I have cats. Not enough to be “crazy cat lady” mind you, but probably more closer to crazy regardless of the number of cats. But as with all pets, no matter how many times you want to throttle them because they vomit up a furball on your newly clean sheets or they turn a beautiful wood chair into a $350 scratching post – if you’re like me, you wouldn’t give them up for anything in the world.
They offer a comfort that most people can’t. They love you unconditionally. They don’t stab you in the back or lie to your face. They don’t pretend to care about you and then prove otherwise, or hardly acknowledge your existence.
Okay, so many cats often do that last part very well on occasion.
To me, my cats are the main reason I got through my divorce and was able to get used to living alone – for the first time ever. They kept me company when all my family and friends lived hundreds of miles away. It probably helped greatly that at the time Ginny, whom I still have, and Smokey (who passed away in 2009) didn’t really care for my ex-husband. Their intuition should have been my warning sign. Smokey was my best buddy ever and while my ex thought it extremely funny that whenever he touched Smokey (or wherever), Smokey always licked himself clean in that very spot. It’s like he just “knew”.
This is Smokey.
And man, do I miss my best buddy so much.
But there are times when even my loving pets can’t help with the way I feel. The overwhelming feeling between the stress building up at work and the problems of the world just seeping into my heart. I can’t be “uncaring” and ignore the horrible things happening in the world. I know I can’t necessarily stop them, but I also don’t want to feel like I have to absorb and take to heart all of the utter sadness, anger and shock at the atrocities happening in this world.
So while I try to not let them affect me, it’s hard. It’s hard to not get angry. It’s hard to not become sad and despondent. And most of all, it’s really hard to understand why. Why people behave the way they do. Why some people can seemingly not care about life and take it so cavalierly.
So the pain and suffering of others weighs heavily on me at times. Dr. S told me to stop reading the news. I really don’t have to – social media keeps me up to date faster than anything. And I don’t think I should bury my head in the sand and ignore the happenings around the world either.
So I try by simply sticking up for what I believe in, helping where I can and by not allowing all the ugliness of the World take control over me. And to not allow me to be afraid.
Because they just really harsh my vibe.
I mentioned in my last post that someone suggested that I was afraid to lose weight and that’s why I wasn’t trying as hard. I’ve had some time to think about it and I don’t believe that is the reason. While I don’t really know the real reason, I’m almost certain that isn’t it.
What I know I am afraid of is failing. Again. Because I’ve done it so many times before that I’m not even sure what success looks like. But then I remember that I’ve lost 20 pounds from my highest weight ever and that’s a success. That I’m helped some people with this blog, and that’s a success.
I may not be doing all that I can but I’m still trying and I’m not giving up.
Which leads me to my next thought…
Despite knowing how very lucky I am in my life, I’m no infallible and while feeling that I’m a strong person, I have my moments where I feel like life has punched me in the gut. And then I feel like a colossal bitch because I’m whining about the issues I’m facing and they pale in comparison to the struggles that others – even those people in my life – are facing all the time.
And I want to hang my head in shame. But that being said, it still doesn’t stop me from wallowing in my own self-pity – I’m just learning to try to keep it to myself. It’s hard. In all the hardships I’ve faced, I’ve always gotten through them with the help and support of others. So keeping them to myself is detrimental, and yet I feel I should just keep my mouth shut.
It’s a conundrum for sure.
My struggles with my weight loss are real. They are hard and they, at times, can be heartbreaking and so damn frustrating. But they’re not impossible. I’ve seen others succeed so I know it’s not impossible. It just seems impossible sometimes.
So while my own struggles pale in comparison to those that my family and friends are going through right now, they’re still my struggles – but at least I have the knowledge that they’re only temporary.
And I hope those struggles that my family and friends are facing right now just go the fuck away.
From the death of a loved one to personal health issues like cancer returning to a cousin who’d been in remission to a friend who now must deal with pancreatic cancer;
to another friend who is dealing with the loss of some of her foot
to another cousin dealing with Multiple Sclerosis
to other family and friends who are having to deal with Celiac Disease, other cancers, Crohn’s, Diabetes etc.
I am sending out love and healing vibes to every one of you who needs it. Because I’m doing just fine.
Peace, love and blessings to everyone.