Of what are YOU afraid?

Well another week has passed. While I’ve been feeling mentally exhausted, which in turn makes me physically exhausted, over all I feel okay. To add to the pound I lost the week before, I’m happy to report that I am down another 1.5 pounds so that little bit of extra weight I gained in October is going away and hopefully I can just keep going to where the number keeps going down.

I’ve thought about joining the gym – we have a Planet Fitness here at the mall. It’s $10 down and $10 a month – very reasonable. And while I can’t do a lot on my feet, at least there I could ride a bike, use the weights etc because I really do also need to firm up where I am losing weight. My thighs and upper arms look like simply ridiculous with all the extra skin – and that’s not even that much compared to where I’ll have it all when I lose all this weight!

But I digress. The reason I haven’t joined Planet Fitness yet (and I’ve been considering it for over a year) is that I know what I’m like. By the time I leave work each night, I’m simply exhausted. I know it’s an excuse but it doesn’t make it any less true. Going before work would be a daunting task because I can barely get out of bed to get to work for 8am! That being said, I also know that unless I have someone to go with – both to motivate me to actually GO but also just so I am not as afraid to go into a place like that alone – I simply will not end up going. I’d even be willing to pay $20 a month for someone else to go with me – to pay their membership. For that price it doesn’t even have to start out with several times a week – even 2 or 3 would suffice and build up to going more often. But I don’t know anyone who wants to do it with me. I’m not sure I’d want to do it with a stranger – that wouldn’t help my comfort level at all.

Going to a public gym would be so outside my comfort zone. Hell, it is directly across from the movie theatre and I went to that theatre a week or so ago and I saw all the people coming and going out of that gym, and every time I saw someone, my mind immediately went to how much they would find it funny to see me attempt to go to the gym. Or how much would I stick out there? Would everyone be talking about me or thinking about how disgusting I am?

I know it’s not logical to think this. I know this in my head, I really do. But that doesn’t stop this same head from thinking that it would be a big judgment fest. And interestingly enough, Planet Fitness’ slogan is their “Judgment Free Zone” but that doesn’t mean people won’t think it. And I know I wouldn’t know if they were thinking anything, but my over-active imagination would still go there. And I know I shouldn’t care, but I do.

I know it sounds like I’m trying to convince all of you that I shouldn’t do it, just as I’m trying to talk myself out of it as well, but it is something that I both feel I should do and that I need to do – in order to give myself some boost I need and start better dropping the weight and getting healthy.

So it becomes, how bad do I want this? How much do I want to lose weight? Am I willing to do anything and everything to accomplish my goal and get healthy?

That’s not to say that I’m not trying. I am. I make small changes here and there. I started the November “Do one better” challenge. I’m always thinking of this or that. But am I really “trying”? That willingness to do anything and everything to get healthy.

And the answer is: I don’t think I am. At least, not hard enough.

So I harken back to an earlier post when I quoted Einstein while talking about whether I was a loon or not:


So how can it be that while it seems that I’m trying to make smarter choices and it seems that I’ve having a bit of success, I still invariably end up back to the same spot? I actually believe, when I look back, that for every smarter choice I make, I might actually be sabotaging myself with a bad choice. Or two. Or three.

One step forward; two steps back.

And it’s this that I don’t understand. It’s not that I want to be this obese. It’s not that I enjoy experiencing the embarrassment and shame that I often feel because of how I look or because of something so innocuous as walking out to a car can be such a chore. It’s not because I enjoy taking all the medications I do in a given day or having to use a machine to help me breathe and don’t die in my sleep. It’s not because I enjoy the aches and pains that my body experiences because of the weight.

So again, how can it be that I clearly don’t want to be this unhealthy, yet I am not doing everything I can to change it? Push through the exhaustion and pain and exercise. Plan my meals in advance and actually make them. Stop buying stuff I shouldn’t eat.

I don’t understand it. I don’t understand at all. But someone else apparently does. They have the answer. They suggested that it’s staring me right in the face and I don’t even realize it. Then again, they told me that maybe I do realize it and I’m choosing to ignore it.

Now I’ve had people in the past tell me that I won’t ever lose weight and get healthy if I don’t REALLY want to. I disagreed only to the points I listed above. Why would anyone want to go through what I do? Why would they be okay with it? Leaving it at the status quo? Why? Why on God’s green Earth, why?

And then there’s this:


But I never had the answer because I didn’t really know why. I could never explain that no matter how many absolutely mortifying experiences I’ve had due to my unhealthy weight and enormous size it was never enough of an incentive to do what I needed to do to get healthy. I can’t explain why – even now – I don’t seem to be fully motivated to do this – no matter what words to the contrary come out of my mouth. Because I talk a lot. You know this. I can talk till you’re all ready to flee to parts unknown. But am I really DOING what my mind and mouth are saying?

Again, the answer is: not enough.

And it is this where I’m ashamed of myself.

So it was recently suggested to me by someone that I’m not doing all that I can to lose weight because not only don’t I really want to, but also because I am actually afraid to. I’m afraid. Of what will be required from me to reach and maintain my healthy lifestyle and that I fear when I do, that I will not like/love myself any more than I do now. That I am afraid to succeed it would seem.

And it’s because of that fear, this person claims, as to why I’m not really trying.

And this is where you’ll find me at a loss for words.

Okay well, maybe a bit more of a “muted” version of myself. I didn’t know what to say to this. I still don’t. While I understand, in part, their suggestion, it doesn’t compute in my head any more than the questions I asked above several times as to why wouldn’t I want to get healthy and lose this weight. So why would I be afraid? Why would I fear a future me where I don’t have to deal with weight issue matters? Where I don’t have to take a dozen medications every day? Where I don’t have to buy my clothes from an online plus+sized store? Where I don’t have to worry about dropping dead from simply overexerting myself shoveling the snow in the winter. Why?

It’s all so illogical.

I. Just. Don’t. Understand.



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