Spreading the Light

I’ve stated before on this blog that I am blessed. And grateful. I’m lucky to still be alive despite my lack of appreciation for my time here on earth and my inability in the past to take care of myself. So without dwelling on what’s happened in the past, I’m again stating that I’m very blessed. I have my relative health, I have a wonderfully supportive and caring family, equally supportive and caring friends, two awesome furbabies, a good job that pays well…and well…I’m just very lucky.

I was reminded earlier today how precious life is. I’ve always known it but I don’t know about the rest of you, but sometimes the problems I face seem so over-whelming that I will “forget” how blessed I am. Thankfully it’s only momentarily and then something happens and I’m reminded, or the storm simply calms and I remember it myself.

A long-time friend shared the news to me of the personal struggle she and her husband, also a long-time friend, are now facing. While she is recovering from surgery – 1 week into a 6 week recovery – they also found out just before her surgery that her husband has prostate cancer. How utterly and completely shocked I felt when she told me. And useless as well. Not to mention ashamed that I’m constantly whining about my struggles with my weight. It’s time like these that I feel like one of those people that say to “just do it” (as if it’s really that simple) because do I really have an excuse not to? Of course not.

But my friends’ struggles and life-altering (and life-threatening) diagnosis is yet another wake-up call to me. Certainly, there are things we cannot control. Horrible diseases like cancer can be caused by so many things that might not have anything to do with something the person actually did to cause it – unlike, say for example, a person who smokes and gets lung cancer. It’s likely from the smoking that caused the cancer (not necessarily, I’m aware, just an example)(see additional note at end of this message).

And there’s the rub. Despite the fact that my weight really is killing me, I have yet to experienced the really bad issues to which being morbidly obese can lead:  coronary heart disease, heart failure, stroke, cancer…and death.

So one has to ask:  What the fuck are you waiting for????

And my answer really is simple:  I have no idea.

None. I don’t know why this is so hard when I know what I need to do. I don’t know why I don’t “just do it”. I don’t know why it seems sometimes like I’m not really trying. Or that I don’t care. Because I do. I really do. I don’t want to die from being morbidly obese. I don’t want to have heart disease, a heart attack or stroke or get cancer (in any way).  Especially not obesity related where I could have done something about it.

Yes, I have pain in my feet nearly all the time. Yes, I get winded just walking out to my car. Yes, there are days when even using the bathroom can be an issue for me. But I’m still alive. I’m still able to move. There may be alternatives I can do that don’t require me to be on my feet all the time. There’s always a way, isn’t there? But I forget that. Because I get upset and frustrated about my feet and how much they hurt me. That it is embarrassing and frustrating when I can’t walk up a short incline on campus (that I did today) without gasping for air.

So you can imagine my thoughts on those things when another friend told me the other day of a bone infection she caught in her left foot which meant they had to amputate her 5 toes (about 1/4 of her foot)!  Worse still if that if she doesn’t heel, they might have to amputate more!

I am absolutely devastated that my friends and family – people I love – are suffering. And I really can’t do anything about it to help them. If I could do something, anything, I would. Because no matter how much right now I may not love myself, I love these people in my life and it breaks my heart that they’ve having to go through it.

I know “that’s life” and all that. “Life isn’t fair”, and all that. I know it. I call bullshit on it, but alas, we all know that there really are things we just can’t control and we have to leave it in God’s hand (or in whomever or in whatever you might believe).  So to once again be reminded of just how fortunate I am and that NOW…right fucking NOW…is the time I need to do something about my weight – before it’s too late.

So I’m now here stating my renewal in my endeavors to make these changes to my life and fight even harder to succeed. To not give up and to overcome all of my (somewhat minute in the grand scheme of things) struggles to win. Because I don’t want to die. Because I have to at least try. And try harder.

And most importantly, because right now I have a chance that others don’t always get. And I can’t squander that chance. I can’t take my (somewhat) good health that I have right now and not do something about it while I still can. I want to do this for myself first and foremost.  But also for all of those people whom I love who are fighting all kinds of battles to show that I’m not going to waste my chances – those chances that maybe they weren’t afforded.

Because I won’t be that selfish.

I will be spending more time praying for and sending good vibes to not only my friends I mentioned above, but to any and all of you who need them right now – whether you’re fighting an illness, personal demons, suffering from a recent loss, or even if you’re just feeling sad, lonely and/or vulnerable. I can at least do that for YOU.

So if you believe in the power of prayer, good healing vibes or mojo, I ask that you don’t send those things to me right now – but please do say them for all of those in my readership, whether you know them or not, that they are all able to find their bliss. Find their lives on a more healing and healthy path. Thank you.



Sending extra love and blessings today to those who need it.


PS:  note to my friends who do smoke – I won’t lecture you given I certainly have my own major issues with health that were all about my own choices, but just like you would wish me to get healthy (and lose weight), I too wish that same for you. Because I love you and want you with me for as long as I’m around, so when I lose all this weight we can run around together and neither be gasping for air! 


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