I’ve been remiss at posting this past week. I can’t really say for sure why. Six days have passed and while I’ve thought about this blog, I haven’t have the inclination to write anything. I thought about what to write. I thought about what not to write. I even thought about writing about not knowing what to write about next.
Bottom line is that I didn’t write. For this I apologize.
So here I am and I’m doing everything I can to come to terms with the fact that the struggle is real. I wrote exactly one week ago about that dreaded moment when I would finally gain weight because I stepped on that damn heart-breaking, soul-crushing scale and had gained a pound and a half. At that time, I tried hard to not let that gain get to me. To see it as a minor set back. To remember how good I’ve done so far. To rationalize all the reasons from which the gain may have resulted, and what I can do better this week. But more importantly, to not see myself as a failure.
I’m not sure why but I hadn’t prepared myself for the possibility that I might actually have another gain the following week. Was I so convinced that it was a fluke? That it wasn’t significant enough to even sweat about? I’d been on such a high from my success that I almost had a false sense of…let’s say…security, that fighting to see it as such an insignificant event in the grand scheme of things, that I really wasn’t prepared for another gain. And I have no idea why. This isn’t my first merry-go-round with weight loss. I’m not so blinded by the small success that I’ve had that I would think I wouldn’t ever have another gain.
So I’m not sure why I was so surprised – and utterly disappointed in myself – that I not only had another gain this week, but this time it was 2.5 pounds I gained.
So even though I’ve only gained weight in the past two weeks, it sets me back to what I weighed on September 14 (I started this blog on the 5th), which means technically that in 35 days, I haven’t lost anything but 35 days.
The struggle is real.
I was so proud of myself for not letting the 1.5 pound gain really get to me too. I thought I was possibly “over the hump” of berating myself for my “failures”. Turns out I was wrong.
Now I haven’t been sitting here berating myself. I haven’t called myself any names. Yet. So I guess it’s a small victory in that aspect as months ago I would have spent a couple of days doing just that to myself. But it hasn’t prevented me from feeling the disappointment in myself for not trying harder, knowing some of the things I did wrong, and just working that much harder to overcome them.
I’m disappointed that instead of “Keep trying” I don’t just “do it”. I can keep trying for the rest of my life and realize that it doesn’t mean I’ll have anything to show for it. Yet I don’t know how to just “do it”. It sounds simple enough. I’ve put it in my other blogs. Eat Less. Exercise More.
Simple right? Yet I just can’t seem to do it.
Last Thursday and Friday I was able to reach and exceed my daily steps limit on my fitbit (a lowly pathetic 3600 steps which is about 1.5 miles and all my poor feet can usually bear), despite that I have had one of the sores I get from calcium build-up on them sometimes that feel like I have little rocks in my shoes – but they’re under the skin. My feet have enough pain in them, especially my toes, that having other issues with them don’t help. So I was happy that despite how much they’ve hurt the past two weeks that I was still able to have 2 days where I exceeded that limit.
That aside, I’m just not sure how to continue fighting those disappointing moments. I think I have them conquered and then BAM! Nope, I guess I didn’t really. So I really need to figure out the mental side of this dilemma – knowing I’m going to have not-so-good weeks. Admittedly, I know 2.5 pounds isn’t horrific either. But while I’m not very good at math, when I see that two gains in a row equals 35 days gone by and I feel I’m starting over – AGAIN – it’s both disheartening and frustrating.
But I won’t sit here and berate myself about it. I’m just going to have to learn to move past those times. Though honestly I have no idea how. Saying something and doing it are two totally different things and that applies across the entire board on this journey – from knowing what I’m doing wrong and needing to fix it – to how to actually fix those things I’m doing wrong.
Maybe I’m a Raving Loon after all.
Blessings to all with love and peace.