I realized this morning as I was dressing for work and thinking about this blog, in particular, the many “confessions” I’ve made about my personality thus far, that maybe I’m coming across as some sort of raving loon. After all, I ramble on here and there – those hamsters are wheeling around at Mach 1 – and I talk about how in the very recent past I had a hair-trigger temper or get upset about things and hold onto them. How I struggle to not be self-deprecating or fight to accept the past and move on. How I’m unable to forgive myself sometimes for the slightest mistake. How I perceive things that aren’t really there. How I often say or do something with only the best intentions and then dwell on how it was received. How I don’t always handle stressful situations well. How I sometimes get on that Emotional Yo-Yo and can’t get off. But then I realized something else.
What I mean is that all of those issues I have faced and are still facing, are issues that most people struggle with every day also. However, they’re not the defining characteristics of who I am as a person per se. They’re are part of me, sure, but they don’t tell you who Dani really is.
They don’t tell you that I get stressed and worry because I fear failure. They don’t tell you that I constantly fight to think of myself as worthy because I feel like I haven’t really done anything in this life to warrant that worthiness. I haven’t cured cancer. I can’t play an operatic ballad that soothes people’s souls. I can’t perform on a stage or in a movie and transport people out of reality for just a little while. I can’t do a lot of things. But then I realized something else.
Neither can a lot of “normal” people. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s better than okay.
I think it’s human nature to sometimes feel unworthy. To not feel that you’re contributing to the betterment of the world – even if it’s a total falsehood. Because I’m coming to realize that even the little things that you do contribute in some way to something better. Maybe the simple smile I gave the man on the elevator this morning made him feel better. Maybe holding open the door, paying for someone’s coffee or even offering a hug to someone who needs it is making someone’s world better.
Maybe just my being alive makes someone happy.
And while I can’t or won’t do any of those things mentioned above, there are things that I can do. I can love my family and friends will all of my heart. I can give them as much support and kindness that my heart can give. I can support them both in their struggles but also cheer along with them in their happiest moments. I can be an advocate those things closest to my heart: animals, childhood diseases and poverty, and many other things. I can entertain and hopefully help others – including myself – with this blog and my writings.
And that I can be the kind of person who someone thinks has a kind and generous heart.
These are the things that I can do. And I hope someday that I can also love myself as much as I love others. And not only know I’m worthy but believe I am.
So, while contrary to my actions sometimes, no, I don’t think I’m a raving loon. I can be a tad frustrating, and maybe a little defiant and stubborn (NO!), and I know it. But remember, I’m the one with all the hamsters in my head. There really is no telling what will come out of my mouth or head at any given time but I’d like to think that makes me fun and interesting. And maybe a bit scary too.
So, Raving Loon or Enigmatic Genius? You decide…
Thank you all again for your on-going support (and in many ways, your patience). Because of you I’m able to get over the hurdles and keep fighting. That means everything to me.
Sending blessings and much love to everyone.