What’s in your head?
This is another “short” post for today. Promise. Okay, never mind. We all know that I don’t even know what the word “short” means.
But I felt the need to share with you a reply I received to my post from yesterday entitled “Is ignorance bliss?”. You can all see the comment as it’s attached to that posting but in case anyone missed it, I’m only sharing the first part of it because it’s most pertinent to this post.
Susan, a friend, who also happens to be the wife of my former boss before I moved to the U.S. so she has some familiarity with me, said this to me:
Oh Dani, your mind is a wandering enigma to me! And I mean that in the kindest way possible. I try to picture how many hamsters are living and breathing up there keeping that machine rotating at all costs! I do enjoy this blog so much, thank you for sharing so openly.
First, Susan, thank you so much for your entire comment. For sharing something personal with me but also your thoughts on that particular post.
Second, I can honestly say that I laughed out loud at the above. For several minutes. You see, you hit the nail on the head. So bonus points for you. I’m sure for those who don’t know me personally or haven’t known me for very long, some of my postings can seem scrambled. I do try hard to ensure they are clear and precise because I don’t want to confuse anyone with my digressions down a hundred rabbit holes as I tend to do. In truth, if you all knew how many times I reread and edit each post, you’d all laugh as well.
Because I have said for many, many years that I am an enigma. In fact, if you click on my profile picture and go to the “about me” you will even see where I say just that. It’s been my motto for many years since a former supervisor, who shall remain nameless, once said that to him I was an enigma. But unlike Susan, he didn’t mean it in a good way. At least, that’s not the way I took it. You see, he was one of those “book smart” types, PhD graduate at Cornell who often tried to talk above those around him, including me. He once even told me that my intelligence surprised him. Yep. He said that.
But he was calling me an enigma because he couldn’t keep up with me. For all his PhD smarts, he wasn’t able to figure me out. What would I say or do next? How I surprised him with ideas and my work. I kept him guessing. And truth be told, I took great pride in that. Because I felt it made me somewhat different from others. I wasn’t a “cookie-cutter” personality. I confounded people.
And I loved that!
(Note: I do not think of all people who are book smart like this, only those who behave the way he did. As my ex-husband also did but like I always say, book smart does not equal common sense.)
But again, rabbit hole here…
Susan specifically said that she meant calling me an enigma in the best possible way. And I thank you very much for actually stating that up-front or I’m not sure how I might have taken it. But I’m thankful that you not only clarified it but you did so in such a damn funny way.
But what really made me laugh out loud was about the hamsters. Because if any one of you can actually figure out that that is exactly what it’s like inside my head – you “get” me. You actually get me!
That’s not to say that you will always be able to follow my train of thought – you know, because hamsters are so unpredictable, but because you understand that is what is happening in my head all the time that I’m conscious. It means that you can understand and forgive me for those less than lucid moments where maybe it takes you a couple of reads before you understand what the hell I just said, or to follow where I’m going and then my darting around back to the original topic.
Yes, I have hamsters in my head. A lot of them. And they are going on those wheels like they high on weed and there’s a chocolate bar at the end. They are going in a million different directions and it’s hard even for me to reign them in. I love to write so you can imagine how much I have to fight to keep getting off topic or to keep the “flow” of the story coherent.
And I can guarantee that there are times where it seems like perhaps there was a mass suicide and they’re all dead in there.
So now that you know my secret, I hope you’ll understand why often times my postings will go off into the wild blue yonder and (hopefully) return back to the path I intended. And that you’ll understand how hard I work to make these posts to that you enjoy them. They are in some ways just as much for you as they are for me. Sharing them with you, my experiences, are cathartic but if I can also give any support, guidance or inspiration to even one of you, that’s just awesome as well.
So thanks Susan for outing my hamsters. And thank you for sharing with me that you enjoy my blog. It’s things like that that make me want to keep going. To keep fighting. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
All of you.