I had another topic all set for tonight’s blog posting until a couple hours ago when something happened that brought me to tears. And not because I was saddened or heartbroken about something, but due to the kindness of someone’s words that were both encouraging and very supportive. It touched me greatly. Probably more than most people would think.
So I want to talk about the value of supporting someone in their struggles. Oftentimes I’ve been on the other end of a conversation where I’ve been trying to help and support a family member or friend, offering whatever words I could that would give some comfort. Most times I didn’t really consider if my words were bringing any support or comfort, even if the other person stated they felt better because of my simply being there. I always felt like I wasn’t really worthy enough to offer comfort and support – maybe to just listen sure – but to actually offer words? Me – who normally is never at a loss of them – struggled often to find just the right thing to say to be supportive and not sound condescending or to make the person feel worse.
The other day I had a conversation with a friend who was down on herself – feeling discouraged and generally not happy. She has “BDD”. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) BDD is described on WedMd as “people with BDD are preoccupied with an imagined physical defect or a minor defect that others often cannot see”. While I don’t suffer from BDD, I certainly understand issues with “defects” in my body. We spoke for a while and I could only encourage her to find a way to move past that moment. So when she said, “Thank you. You’ve already made me feel tremendously better already.” that made me feel great. Because I truly wanted to support and help her, and her words led me to believe that I had.
Like I said in a previous post, the only way I feel that I am going to get through this scary and intense journey/struggle is with YOUR support. And I wasn’t lying, but since starting this blog I’ve not only seen how your support and encouragement keeps me fighting, but it made me actually FEEL it. I started really feeling the kindness, love, support, encouragement and I loved the way it made me feel.
Like I was worthy of it all.
I’ve had love, support and kindness from so many in my life from my wonderful mother to my family and life-long friends, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually felt I deserved it. That worthiness is very hard to find when you’ve spent so many years hating yourself and being ashamed for what you did or didn’t do. You know, those regrets I mentioned before.
So now that I’ve had a taste of that – those feelings of worthiness – I not only want them, I really understand how much I need them. Like an addiction. In order to survive and win this battle. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again until you believe it too:
I need you.
So if any of you who have offered me kind, supporting words and were wondering just how effective they have been, believe me when I tell you that they mean so much to me that I cannot even begin to tell you.
They mean the World to me.
So the reason I changed up my topic for tonight’s blog is because of something that came as sort of a surprise. For those who know me well enough (not many that don’t), you know I am a “big” (pardon the pun) fan of South African actor Sean Cameron Michael (Mr. Richard Guthrie on Starz’ Black Sails). Sean’s always been wonderfully kind to me throughout the past couple of years on social media, including earlier this year when he went above and beyond. I had sent him a Black Sails promo book in Los Angeles (he recently got his US Green Card Permanent Residency and when in the US will reside in L.A.). Not only was he kind enough to sign it but he got another actor from the show – Mr. Mark Ryan – to sign it and then went to the Starz studios and got more “goodies” to send to me including some Black Sails pins, a bandana, an autographed photo and the first season of Black Sails on DVD. But I digress…
Sean has always been very kind but in all of our conversations, I never once mentioned my weight. In fact, I have never tweeted a recent pic of myself. I didn’t want anyone, including Sean, so see the “real” me (physically and yes, I know it’s absurd now). So when I decided to post this blog, I was letting the cat out of the bag. But my need to put myself out there with my struggles and my new journey outweighed my concerns about who would suddenly “know”.
Now, never did I think that Sean would be the kind of man who would judge me because of my size/how I looked. Not once. But that didn’t stop me from still be ashamed if he knew. I can’t really explain why but that’s how my silly mind works sometimes.
So recently Sean became an Advocate for an organization called Bullies Keep Out (http://www.bullieskeepout.com/) which try to help change those narrow-minded people who bully others because of the way they look, their sexual preferences or in whatever way someone might be different. I knew that Sean was doing an interview (PSA) with BKO and it was posted two days ago. I didn’t know about it being posted until earlier tonight.
Imagine my surprise and delight when listening to Sean discuss the issues of bullying, in particular this PSA was about a video circulating on social media that someone made to shame fat people to change called #DearFatPeople. Now, I haven’t seen this video because I know it will upset me. Just based on what I’ve heard about it and the comments people have made is enough to know I don’t wish to see it. So Sean and Dana from BKO were discussing this when (at ~15:55mins), Sean started to talk and I realized he was talking about me! About my blog. But more so…about what he thought about me and my blog: “Inspiring” “Courageous” “Helpful” “Flipping beautiful”
Cue the tears.
I didn’t cry because I was upset. I cried because what he said meant so much to me. He’s on a public forum talking about bullying and this horrendous person’s video, and he uses me as an example of what is inspiring. What is courageous.
And that’s fucking awesome!
Because I think it was huge that he used me as an example. It told me that I was doing something right. That even while I go through this to save myself – good heavens – could I actually inspire someone else and help them???
I’m reaching people. I’m inspiring people. And you know what that means?
It means that I want to keep doing this to keep inspiring others to fight their own demons and do whatever they can to better themselves. Because I am doing it!
I’m posting the PSA here so you can check out the entire thing but please do check out what Sean said about me in his own words at 15:55.
So I don’t know if Sean is continuing to read any of my blog posts or not but I hope he at least sees this one. I’ve already told him how grateful I am but as with all of you, I want him to know just how much.
So thank you Sean. From the bottom of my heart. ♥
And thank you everyone for your continued support and love. I’m finally seeing it. And I’m so damn grateful to each and every one of you.
Sending love and blessings.