In all of my struggles to not be so negative about myself – both with how I look but also getting over my inherent need to self-deprecate – one struggle in particular is extremely difficult to get past.
So I’m choosing to write about this particular topic when I have a loss in the Weight Loss/Gain column for the past week because one of my biggest struggles I face – on top of the weight loss – is the attitude I have when I have a bad week – that is – putting on weight. Be it a half pound or five – any weight gain to someone who struggles to lose it can be monstrous, the results of which can, and have, sent some people into a tailspin. Often negating any achievement they may have had before.
I’ve been there. It’s a struggle I face every time I step on the scale. How will I react when I have a gain for that week? Because of how I’ve reacted in the past, my first thoughts are the questions:
Will I immediately and automatically berate myself for my “failure”? Will I tell myself all of the hurtful things I’ve said in the past? That I’m useless. That I have no willpower. That I’m a failure. That I can’t do anything right.
The list goes on and on. And despite all of the work I’ve done to not have the auto-deprecating button turn on the minute something doesn’t go as well as I’d planned, I suspect it’s going to be a long time – if ever – that I am completely over those fears of what I might think about myself, say to myself or simply that I’m unable to move past it.
So I stepped on the scale this morning and I’m down a HALF pound.
In the more recent past (and as it’s been pointed out to me before – thanks to my cuz Deb), I would have followed up that announcement with any combination of the following:
- It’s “only” half a pound
- It’s not very good/great, but guess it’s okay
- Guess I didn’t really deserve to lose more
And it seemed that if I looked back on my comments on loses, no matter how much weight I did lose, I never took it as a great thing – a loss – it was “only”. I realize that it’s a ridiculous statement given that a loss is a loss, am I right? But that’s that way this mind of mind thinks. I didn’t say I was intelligent remember – Dr. S. did.
So for the past few weeks I have had a loss in the Loss/Gain column and in all honesty, I am terrified of that week when I will have a gain. Utterly terrified. But I’m a realist and I know a gain is inevitable, but I haven’t yet figured out how to do the 3 things after that:
- tell myself it’s okay and not feel I have to either berate myself or even forgive myself
- don’t give up and keep going
- move on
A lot of this will depend on the amount of pounds gained. While losing “only” a half pound or even a pound didn’t always seem like a significant loss, gaining the same amount or heaven forbid – MORE – can make you feel like a complete loser – and not in the good way.
Now anyone who has ever tried to lose weight has experienced this and the feelings right along side, and most understand that it’s not even necessarily that the person did anything “wrong” to “earn” the gain but the mind is a scary place and while logically you might know this, if you’re anywhere near as stubborn as me (yes, I admit it), then you have an internal struggle.
Instead of accepting the gain, understanding that there very well may be external reasons for the gain that have nothing to do with what you may or may not have done, if you’re like me, you simply put the blame where you felt it was deserved – on your own shoulders.
I’ve had doctors and a Nurse Practitioner tell me on several occasions that hormones, time of the month, time of the year, underlying illness etc can all be contributors to a gain one week. I’m sure there are more but those are typically what I hear.
So when will that gain happen? I’m not sure. I really hope not for a while but I also know I can’t sit here and fret the week when it does go up or I’ll make myself mad. And let’s face it, I tinker a little too close to madness as it is sometimes. Let’s not add to it by worrying about the “what if’s?” But they are there. And they will be there.
And I’ll need your help and support to move not place blame, not give up and keep going and move on.
So from my heaviest weight ever I am down a total of 28.5 pounds over the past few years and 9.5 since July 7th.
And I’m going to accept that as a wonderful start to my journey and be proud of how far I’ve not only come so far, but that I want to continue to succeed.
Thank you all once again for your support, kindness and love.
Blessings to all.